Thursday, October 18, 2012

No seriously, I don't get it.

Two things I really enjoy are vodka and people watching so I go out fairly often.  I usually find myself somewhere within Wicker Park in the middle of an urban shit show.  For those of you who are not from Chicago, Wicker Park is where all the “hipsters” like to hang out.  I say that with quotations because no one wants to actually admit they are one.  Sorry kids, but if you drink PBR, have a mustache tattooed on your finger, or have claimed to like anything before it was cool, you are a most likely a hipster.  Regardless of what these people classify themselves as, I have been noticing some re-occurring trends among them, and well, I just don’t fucking get it. 
Let me start with the one that baffles me the most…harlem pants.
Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?!  Whoever it was, they should be shot.  Everybody knows, “You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants,” but the designer of these eye sores must have thought he would be Chuck fucking Norris if he shit in them instead.  If you own a pair of these, I hope it is because you have bladder control issues and are trying to hide your Depends. That would be the only logical explanation for purchasing something so wrong.  So very, very wrong.
I’m sure a lot of you own these, so maybe someone can explain to me why they are so popular…
These are Jeffery Campbell shoes. They come in a million hideous patterns and cost a small fortune. Let’s be honest, you look like a freaking Clydesdale.  I know you ladies think they look hot, but I have never heard a man tell any woman wearing these to leave her shoes on, if you catch my drift.  If you don’t, it’s because you wear these shoes, and no man has ever said that to you.  Seriously, stop wearing them.  They hurt my eyes, and if I’ve had a few cocktails, they make me dizzy.  You wouldn’t want me to vomit on your super expensive new shoes would you? Although it may improve the pattern…
Next is my personal favorite. Upside down cross clothing.
You’re a bad ass….a rebel who can’t be tamed.  You break all the rules… because nothing says anti-establishment like Forever 21.  Even Satan himself thinks you’re a poser.  Now go change your shirt, and head to church before your parents slap you, and in all honesty, we both know you deserve it.
Last but not least, I have noticed this trend has become increasing popular despite the obvious…they are mom jeans.  Actually, I don’t even think my mom would wear them so why are you women deliberately trying to look like you drive a mini van?
Any form of high waisted pants are a bad idea. No one’s ass has ever looked good in these.  I can’t think of a time when I ever thought, “I sure wish I could make my round, ample booty longer and flatter.”  Ladies, you will have plenty of time for that in the future when gravity takes its toll so for now, why don’t you enjoy being a lady? Put on a dress once in awhile….or at least a decent pair of pants.

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