I would like to think the idea of dating began as far back as elementary school. I can remember telling my mom I had a “boyfriend” named Billy in the second grade. I probably would have started sooner, but cootie shots were not made readily available until around then (circle, circle, dot, dot). Billy and my romance lasted about a week until Timmy showed up with a better flavored snack pack, and I had to move on. When Charlie had fruit snacks, it was all over for poor Timmy. I really think this behavior set the tone for how we were all going to treat future dating prospects. It’s all about the upgrade.
In junior high I stopped my gold digging ways and got a little more mature. I no longer used the term “boyfriend” but rather told my mom me and whomever were “going out.” Where the hell were we going? We didn’t see each other outside of school, however, we exchanged mix tapes, and we sat together at lunch so everyone knew we were clearly in love. I mean, you don’t bring out the big guns (aka Boyz to Men) for just anyone.
High school got a bit more complicated. It went something like this…hormones, hormones, I hate him, I love him, hormones, you are my soul mate, we are soooooooooooooo over, hormones. Ah, good times. Your entire relationship is based off who is popular that week or whomever has a car, and to think…you thought you had given up on your shallow habits…
I really don’t feel you have a normal concept of what dating is until after high school. College is around the time you begin to raise your standards. You start to realize there are so many fish in the sea, and you want to eat them all of them. I mean, who doesn’t like sushi? At this point, you date anyone and everyone because you are trying to figure out who you are and who you are compatible with. You will undoubtedly pretend to be everything you are not, into sports you don’t understand, and into bands you would rather turn deaf than have to listen to another one of their songs. Eventually you will figure it out, but by the time you do you are in your late 20s, and everyone is becoming a little less attractive.
This is around the time all of your friends will start to get married and have babies. You will start to notice the pool of potential mates begins to dwindle. Your once high standards have gone from, “Where does he work and how much money does he make?” to “Does he have a job? No? Well, does he at least have all his hair?” Sheer panic will start to set in, and you will find yourself browsing Eharmony just to see what’s out there. Don’t worry, if you wait it out a few more years, all the divorcées will start to surface. Who wouldn’t want to date a man with a crazy ex-wife, a whole terminal full of baggage, and a bunch of dysfunctional children that wouldn’t even be tolerable if you gave birth to them yourself?
For those of you single ladies about to hang yourselves, don’t worry. There are some perks to this whole dating game. Think of all the free meals, designer handbags, and orgasms you have received over the past decade…a little token of appreciation from the dating Gods for years of emotional abuse. It could be worse…you could have married that guy who skied in his jeans. Guys, think of all the crazy bullets you have dodged in the past and be thankful you didn’t marry that girl who used to watch you sleep.