Thursday, October 18, 2012

Jackie the Craigslist Killer

If we are not friends on Facebook, you missed this little gem so I would like to share an enteratining story with all of you... A few months ago I was looking for a roommate so I posted an ad on Craigslist.  I never expected to receive the amount of responses I did, including one in particular.  Here is my ad and what unfolded...

Roommate needed for 9/1.  About the place... 2nd floor apt in an older building in LP with cast iron ceilings, hardwood floors, living room, dining room, decent sized kitchen and one bathroom. Located close to Depaul...about a ten min walk to the red line. It's a 2 1/2 bedroom...I say that because the third bedroom is small, and right now is being used as 'the girl room'...housing my roommate's and my shoes, make up, jewelry etc. If you are a girl, you will love it...if you are a guy, you can use it as storage. If you are a gay guy, you can do both!

About me...30 year old female, college grad, works during the week as a personal assistant and part time nanny and for a vodka company on the weekends. That's right people, free booze! Woooo!  I don't go out much or have people over during the week, but I do like to go out on the weekend and will sometimes bring my drunk friends back to eat Mexican food on the kitchen floor (even though I have a dining room table and chairs) and have random dance parties. We have pretty sweet moves so don't worry...although our music choices at that hour may be questionable...speaking of music, It's just about my favorite thing ever so I attend lots of shows so be prepared to be dragged to a few (thousand)...I am just looking for someone who is cool, has similar values and interests and IS CLEAN. I have lived with some people who had questionable hygiene, and well needless to say...I no longer live with them. I am not a neat freak by any means...I just don't want to have to throw down every time the bathroom needs to be cleaned... I sometimes smoke, but only on the back porch so you won't die of second hand smoke....maybe alcohol poisoning, but definitely not lung cancer. Other than what you want. I'm pretty laid back, and that's really the only thing that grinds my gears (bonus points if you are a Family Guy fan and caught that reference)... 

Please don't waste either of our time if...                                                    
You are into drugs normal people stopping doing by the time they were 20.          
If you are boring as shit (I mean seriously...If I would rather watch paint dry than have a conversation with you, save your breath)                                          
You are a Republican...hahaha I'M KIDDING so don't start calling your lawyer, ...what I mean is if you have values that reflect hate or judgement against complete strangers well then I hate you! How does it feel? Huh? HUH?!            
 You don't appreciate some finely tuned sarcasm (obviously)                            
 or if you don't think the Sandlot was one of the greatest movies of all time...
*that last one is a deal breaker.

Here is a response I received from a lovely lady named Jackie...  "nobody is gonna wanna live with someone who brings there friends back to eat tacos on the floor and dance. lemme gues you're a friggin cheesy ass white girl who has really terribly pathetic friends. u dont like people who drugs but u sound like a desperate crackhead. grow up - no one wants to live in that sad shabby apt.with a weirdo like u"  

How could I not respond? I mean after all, she took time out of her day to write me..."Dear

       First off let me say your grammar is impeccable. You must be an English major? I mean, one can only assume... Second of all, I never said we eat tacos...I personally prefer to eat burritos, but if you prefer tacos that is your prerogative. Let me also add, dancing is a great form of cardio. You should give it a try. Regarding your conclusions about me and my friends.... I mean considering you have met me and everyone I am friends with, you must know exactly what you are talking about. I think it's safe to assume you yourself enjoy doing drugs? Congratulations on the drug really seems to be helping your creative juices flow. You must have one hell of an imagination if you can call my apartment sad and shabby when I have not posted any pictures of it. Then again, you are probably psychic because you know everything about me and my friends you have never met. I forgot, sorry. Finally, how does one grow up? I am rather short and have been trying for years...I hope I addressed all your issues, and you have yourself a wonderful day...and by wonderful day, I mean, go fuck yourself."

I never expected to hear from her again, however she promptly responded...
"Awesome u like to point to our grammar.  its a friggin email. AND Of course u eat burritos on the floor at your awesum apt.  You're probably also overweight but still cute ? right ? right ? you're a typical lincoln park loser. who would make anyone feel unwelcome and just pain annoyed living there.  yur ad is seriously a joke. u should be embarrased/please post pics of your apartment. im sure its fabulous.  living with you would be fucking myself so, i'd pass."

I was having too much fun to not respond one last time... 

"Dear Jackie, 
              Hey!  Thanks for again for taking time out of your busy day to write me back.  I know how hard it must be to squeeze in some hateful messages before lunch.  Good thing you are great with time management.  I would add that to the "special skills" section of your resume' right below grammar/spelling extraordinaire. I appreciate your concern with my weight, but I look pretty good so you can stop worrying!  It must be all that dancing I do that burns off the burritos I tend to enjoy on the weekends.  However, I am still cute so thanks for asking!  I find it super fascinating that you have met everyone in Lincoln Park so you can come to that conclusion about all of us without sounding like an asshole.  I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for, but just some helpful words of advice...if you hate Lincoln Park so much, you may want to stop looking at ads for apartments there.  Finally, I'm deeply saddened that after all our beautiful, meaningful conversations, you do not want to be my roommate.  I truly don't know how I am going to sleep at night."  

 I still wonder where she ended up living, and if her current (former?) roommates are still alive.  Jackie, if you are reading this, I somehow manage to get my beauty sleep every night so you can lift that weight of your conscience once and for all.

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