Oh, porn. You're so silly.

A friend of mine, male of course (shocker), suggested I write about my thoughts on porn.  I think he was half expecting to stump me for knowing nothing on the subject and half hoping I would do some research and get back to him with my findings.  Well, jokes on him because I love porn as much as the next perv.  I find it humorous mostly but at times, entertaining.  I do however, have a few issues with most porn I come across nowadays.  

Let’s start with the plot lines…I mean really, are they necessary?  Don’t we all just fast forward to when the magic happens? Ladies, I think at this point in our lives we have all learned that there are no hot pizza guys, and even if there were, they are there to deliver us crappy pizza not orgasms. Sorry to break it to you boys, but none of your teachers want you to stay after class for any reason other than detention.  Maybe if porn showed guys picking up drunk chicks at last call, or more boys buying girls shoes first, it would be more believable.  That may actually get you laid instead of hoping the two lesbian girls who live across the hall will get locked out and take refuge in your bedroom.  

Also, what is going on with the male leads in these movies?  I have yet to come across an attractive man attached to an attractive penis.  Sadly, there are no Ryan Goslings in porn.  Most women have to resort to watching the rain scene in The Notebook for anything even remotely close.  I may or may not be speaking from experience. Just kidding, maybe. Most men in porn have bad spray tans and tribal tattoos neither of which turn me on, and if you find either of those attractive, you either live on the Jersey Shore or it’s 1995.

Although the same can be said of the women (third world country boob jobs, bad tans, worse tattoos), there are some decently attractive ones from time to time. I guess not only disgusting looking women have daddy issues so that’s a plus for you fellows.  However, good looking or not, all of these women are setting you up for failure.  Chances are *spoiler alert* most of them are faking it, and the women you bed in real life will not be enjoying themselves nearly as much as the women in your adult feature so try not to get your hopes up too much.

Not only that, but someone needs to wash these ladies’ mouths out with soap. If you are ever with a girl, and she begs you to cum on her face…I would run, not walk, to the nearest clinic because you need a shot of penicillin asap.  I’m sorry guys, but there is not enough alcohol on the planet for any self-respecting woman to ask for such a thing.  Dirty talk is one thing, but risking blindness is a whole other ball park. If she calls your daddy and you like it, you may want to stop reading my blog, and re-evaluate you life.