I'll sleep when I'm dead.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least a little bit tired.

A lack of sleep has become a state of normalcy for me.  It has been years since I have slept through the entire night…so many in fact, I can’t even remember the last time.  I average about 4-5 hours on a good night, usually with twenty minute bouts of random alertness for no reason. This past summer I went weeks on 3 or less hours a night.

Insomnia is a funny thing.  Your body can be exhausted, but the second you lay down to sleep, your mind won’t shut off.  You lie awake thinking about everything yet nothing at the same time.  Some nights, if I am really lucky, I don’t sleep at all and start to hallucinate…

It’s not all bad though. There are some advantages to being a robot…

Have you ever grocery shopped after 1 am?  Oh right, you’re normal so probably not.  I recommend the next time you are up past midnight, you give it a try.  There are no people playing “chicken” with their shopping carts, screaming children begging for cookies, or long lines of elderly coupon cutters who can’t seem to locate their “50 cents off ” a box box of Grape Nuts.  Plus, I can buy all the Ramen, vodka, and wine I want without being judged. 

Thanks to my insomnia, I was probably the very first person with a George Foreman grill since I was the only one awake when that infomercial first aired.  I believe it was around 4 am since no one thought a retired boxer with a dream of fast cooking meat was worth a prime time slot.  Jokes on them, I have cooked at least 300 chickens and 200 cows on that thing since then. Don’t be jealous of my Slap Chop or Chef Basket either.  If you own a Snuggie, you know what I’m talking about.  Delightful, absolutely delightful.

If you ever watch TV past 3 am, you also get to see some cinematic gold that you may miss out on during normal viewing hours.  I have caught some mindblowing gems such as “Sharktopus” and “Leprechaun: In the Hood.”  You guys watching Emmy award winning television shows are suckers.  Psh, enjoy your “4 star” movies too.  

Also, why would you want to waste your time watching actual porn when you can catch soft core versions mixed with your favorite horror films?  ”The Hills Have Thighs,” or “The Bare Wench Project” anyone?   That’s what I call killing two birds with one stone!  You just can’t get those kind of quality films at any other hour.

And who said nothing good ever happens after two am…