You are an asshole.

If I call you and you don't answer, but you text me right back (and you aren't at work or out of minutes), you are an asshole.

If you own a pair of Crocs, you are an asshole.  Yes I am aware of their level of comfort...you're still an asshole

If you have ever given yourself a nickname, you are an asshole.

If while driving, I let you cut in front of me and you don't throw up the "thank you" hand signal, you are an asshole...and I want you dead.